Covert Operations of the Heart

We’ve all been there before…extending a little piece of our heart and while putting ourselves out on the ledge, not knowing precisely whether it will be greeted with similar feelings, disinterest or worst of all – disdain. But what about when we do our best to protect our heart and issue these words of love s-e-c-r-e-t-l-y?

Earlier this week, I posed the question: have you ever been a secret admirer and what did you feel you gained from the experience? Look forward to hearing from you. As for me…

This topic is all too familiar for me. As the smart, chubby girl in class, I quickly learned that my arithmetic and spelling skills weren’t enough to dazzle the boys. However, they did enjoy my friend Angie’s bouncy blond locks. So as I did any other time I needed to pour out my energy and emotion, I wrote about it and did so through personal love poems and that most dangerous tool of all, the secret love note. Unfortunately, I was really bad at the PR side then. I never forced the guy’s hand, so if you don’t ask for anything definite so you know there’s even a remote interest in finding out who you are, then what the hell are you writing the note for anyway?

I expended a lot of energy on oohs and aahs and dreamily describing how splendidly awesome Brian was, showing him my undying affection through particularly smooth moves like sending him a carnation on Valentine’s Day – oooh, now that’s quite an impactful statement – and then like the wimp that I was, would sign these heartfelt gestures with “your secret fan” or “an admirer.”

So what did I gain from it if Brian didn’t have a clue? Well, nothing really. But early on in my childhood I established a belief that if you wanted to say something, then all was not right with the world if you had not gotten your chance to say it. (I later learned that not everything needs to be said aloud and in fact, a lot SHOULD NOT be said, but it took many pathetic tales of missteps to learn that firsthand.)

I guess at the time I felt I was “complete” because IT had been said, IT had been done, IT was now out there. Of course, the fact that IT meant not a whole hell of a lot to Brian without a nametag attached didn’t phase me then but I see the glitch now. Still, I suppose a secret admirer letter is harmless. After all, for Brian and Tommy and Kerry and Tim and Karl and…all of those other sweet souls I swooned over and shared way too much heart, I’m sure that they got a nice little ego boost from my innocent expression of love. Well, “like” really. So it must have been a nice confidence builder for them. In the end, I guess that’s not so bad. If I helped them get through a bad day or even overcome their own insecurities like a new pimple or being shorter than other boys, well then, guys, I was happy to help. But at least one of you could have asked me out once. Ah well, such is life.

So what about you?  Are you willing to give me the dirt on your own secret love songs and pining from afar and those sappy letters that left your pen? Come on, you know you wrote them, too. And I want all of the dirt, so lay it on me. The time has come to finally be brave and own up to your little secrets. What have you got to lose?

Cheers to finding that daily spark in your life!


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